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Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters

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Ogden Nash, the American poet, writes that incompatibility between husbands and wives is the “spice of life”. This incompatibility is also my trade. In my work over 20 years first as a divorce lawyer and then as a couple therapist I’ve heard many arguments – everything from how to do the washing up to conflicts about money and differences of opinion on parenting. Treat arguments not as something you need to win but as an opportunity to learn something important – it’s often in the debrief after an argument that you can learn what the issue with the washing up was really all about. Separation brings with it so many complexities, from the practical to the deeply emotional. There are resources and groups to help you navigate this time, including: If you approach your arguments as, ‘This is where I’m going to prove that I’m right, and I’m going to win this argument,’ you will just keep having them again and again,” she says. “And that’s no fun for anyone, particularly not your kids.” For couples who may be alarmed to hear there are five brand new arguments they need to add to their rotation, there is good news. “They’ve already had all of them, I’m sure,” says Harrison. “That’s what I wanted people to see, because I felt like I had this perspective – that I was having them, my friends were having them, and my clients were having them.” There was, she realised, very little therapeutic advice available about this landscape of low-level daily conflict, “which is just normal, because you live with someone, and you’re different from them”.

Using sound advice and relatable case studies, Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why The Washing Up Matters offers practical ideas and imaginative ways of putting ourselves and our partners first. It has been described as the ‘indispensable guide to re-thinking our relationships’ while Susie Orbach calls it ‘Marvellous first aid for couples’. And being curious about them,” she says. “You really may not understand why [the dispute] is such an issue for your partner. You may think, why are they going on about this? But if you just think it’s silly to make such an issue out of it, you miss something important.” TRUE “For most people, a satisfying sexual relationship is an important part of a good relationship,” says Susanna Abse, psychoanalytic therapist and author of Tell Me the Truth About Love: 13 Tales from Couple Therapy. “While sex may not be the most important thing, it’s certainly an indicator of chemistry, and it matters – especially at the start. Also, if you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on?” Your partner should know what you feel/needFALSE It’s not date nights that matter, says Harrison, it’s time together. So you don’t have to spend money or go out or have a treat (though that might be lovely). The bit your relationship needs is time shared as a couple: snuggled together on the sofa watching TV or a walk in the park can be every bit as good as a pricey meal out. A baby will jeopardise your relationship Either it’s: My relationship partner loves me, and I can trust them because the things they do and say are constantly reinforcing that I’m seen, heard, respected, and cared for. My partner’s actions add up to the experience of feeling loved. Even though you are no longer in a couple relationship, you are still modelling a relationship to your children. Matthew Fray says: “What is best for children is modelling healthy treatment of others to help them develop good relationships themselves”

Some of these arguments, Harrison says, have a “playfulness”; they become more about expressing our individuality than the apparent subject. I can see how that might be, when you’ve lived with someone so long that your mind meld is total and you can look at a passing cat, both be reminded of the same minor incident in 2003, and then by some circuitous thought process say out loud, simultaneously: “We need more plasters.” We exert our independent existences by disagreeing about the correct place to store ketchup (the bin). Engage together with the boundaries you want around phones and social media rather than getting irritated about it all the time. For example, some people find it helpful if their partner signals how long they are planning to spend on their phone.And what rich opportunities there are! The people we live with thoughtfully foster our personal development daily, filling our favourite mug with WD40, piling washing in a mouldering heap to “dry” and turning the sink into an immersive art installation called something like “Teabag Butterknife Pan Soak IX”. Harrison writes that she has heard every variant of washing-up fight, and I believe it: dishwasher Tetris topped my unscientific survey of common fight topics by miles – we’re all exercised by fork prongs and pre-rinsing. TRUE and FALSE What’s most interesting about cheating, says Real, isn’t why someone does it – that’s obvious (it’s exciting, it’s sexy, it’s a thrill). No: the interesting thing is why someone doesn’t do it. “Cheating is always selfish: it’s always about overriding what you should do. So if you’ve learned from it and moved on, then no, you won’t necessarily be a cheater again. But your partner might never feel 100% assured you won’t do it again. It’s important to understand that.” Marriage is just a piece of paper

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